courage

dear you...

 i think it was really courageous of me to have point blankly asked you again about THE QUESTION.  and though I've practiced  a million times in my head how to drop the bomb, i've never really had enough guts to say it... until the other night. i have so many different scripts of  how to ask  and believe you me, ive practiced in the mirror, while taking a shower, while walking in the street or in the mall or even in my head. and it seemed like i had the perfect reasonable, drama-less script. but every time i make an attempt to take a shot at it, my heart just bails on me. understandably because its not something woman usually ask, let alone make a follow up on. but that night was different i had more than enough courage to get it out of my chest and head. i guess there are times when you just have to do and say the things that have been bottled up inside for quite a while.

so, did my asking made any difference? i honestly dont know. of course you gave me the general hopeful answer but im not really sure how to feel about it. im hopeful and doubtful at the same time and theyre both on the same level. it just crazy how i already know you so well but when it comes to this, i just cant read you. but i wanna be hopeful i really want, but doubt cant seem to leave me in peace.

maybe i don't see it you, maybe this nagging feeling inside means something or maybe im just yet again over-thinking.. 

whatever it is, i know that was my second time to swallow the  feminine pride i have for you to know or even just feel  that its not getting easier for me every passing day. the third will be the deal breaker. and if i have to use every ounce of courage in me to walk away, i will coz i know what i deserve and i will not settle for less.

still yours,

me

dream life

people have different dreams and aspirations.  a great career, wealth, fame etc... many dream to be on the top, some work so hard to reach it and some just dream about it.others may want to see and rule the world, and some just hope for a simple happy life.

 when i think about of what i want, of  what i've always dreamed of, so many things  run in my thoughts,but there are few clear ones that i've always wanted.

at seven years old, i already knew what i wanted- to be a great lawyer. i knew and believed that i had what it takes to be one.this dream  stayed in my heart and mind until i got into college. When i entered the university life, i was exposed to different things i can be and do. this was when i was inspired to climb the corporate ladder but it was not just it. i wanted to see and travel the world and so i also aspired to be a cabin crew. though i had everything what it takes to be what i wanted, some circumstances made me take a different path.

and  now as i grow older, i still have those dreams at the back of my mind.  but what do i really want now? i oftentimes ask this question to myself. and every time i do, my heart and mind have one same answer.

to those who know me, i maybe perceived as an ambitious woman. someone who wants to excel, to be on top, to be  famous, to be rich, and yes,admittedly i wanted those and more when i was younger. But its funny how  my wants and dreams change through time.

right now, all i ever dream and hope for is to have my happily ever after. this isn't like a fairytale that you read on books or see in the movies. my happily ever after is just to have a family with the love of my life.

it amazes me how different my dreams and aspirations from how people who know me expect them to be. my bestfriend of almost ten years dreams to be rich, filthy rich and it maybe a great dream coz if  and when it comes true it'll make ones life easier. 

i don't want to be filthy rich ( of course, i dont wanna be poor either). all i wan is to have and raise a happy, beautiful family and live comfortably.

there is not a day that i don't dream about it. its always on my mind, and just by thinking about it makes me smile and even cry sometimes.

this dream maybe one of the most simple dreams one can have, but there's a point in a woman's life when this dream is just within an arm's reach. but you cant really do anything coz it has take someone to give  and hand it to you.

this is where i am now, stuck within the waiting game. and as i keep thinking about it, that one big nagging question  in my head. how long are you willing to wait for that dream to be given by the love of your life? how long?

...i don't know. i honestly don't know. there are days when i'm full of hope that it'll be soon but there are also times when i try hard to find a reason to keep hoping.

so, i dont know how long can i wait. what i know is that there'll be a time when i will not want to wait anymore. it could be tomorrow, next week or in 2 months or next year. i don't know when, but i will feel it. and when i do,  its time to go and find a new dream.